Xmas

The Santa Clause sends such a terrible message to children. If you kill Santa, you become him. It's a bit dark really. Reminds me of Highlander, "There can only be one!". I'd like to see that movie! With Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and other such characters killing each other to absorb their powers until there is only one all-powerful entity remaining. I'm betting on Superman, but I'm a little bit biased as he's the only one I believe in.

<insert sexist comment here>

I was going to go off on a whole rant about the connection between Christmas and Xmas, and where Christ became X, but then I decided I had better check what the actual connection was, in case I accidentally got it right and ended up being factual...it's boring! So instead I decided to believe that Jesus was captured by pirates, and buried somewhere for safe keeping. The place was marked with an X, and that's what the pirates referred to him as in their own pirate code, to keep it a secret from non-pirates. That's what the crusades were about! Not looking for the Holy Grail, but actually Jesus locked in a treasure chest buried on an island. If I was Jesus, I would have become a pirate and used my walk-on-water powers to plunder shit! It's important to use your talents.

"Avast, my children!"

Christmas is a birthday celebration of (pirate) Jesus, but sometimes people forget that. For example, when someone has a birthday, cake is served. But in the case of a milestone birthday, like 21st, 30th etc, you generally do something a little more special to celebrate. My main gripe with the concept of celebrating Jesus's birthday, was that on his 2000th birthday, there was a severe lack of strippers, magicians and 2,000 people lining up to give JC his birthday kisses! A session in the church would've been awesome! Reading the bible, singing hymns, getting lucky in the confessional! Best. Night. Ever.

Going to mass on Christmas day would be a lot more fun if the closing hymn was whatever the Xmas Number 1 was that year. Last year everyone would've gone just to see the priest try lead the congregation in Rage Against the Machine's 'Killing in the Name'. The church would start a massive campaign to get Hark the Herald Angels Sing as the X Factor winners song.

The Pope wasn't the ideal choice for a guest judge on the X Factor

I'm not trying to bash anyones religious beliefs, as I have my own personal belief that as soon as Fox realize nobody likes the new Simpsons episodes and cancels the show, the world will abruptly end with a colossal worldwide "D'oh!" Surely there must be people that feel the same way as me!

I think that's why people keep watching it...

The fear!

Have a great (Jesus locked in a treasure chest buried on a desert island by pirates he stupidly didn't befriend and join forces with to plunder the shit outta the place!)mas!

(Nowhere in the bible does it say Jesus was not a pirate!)