Hey You!!! Stop That!!!

Recently I received a complaint about the content of my blog. A woman, whose name I will not mention for fear she tracks me down and tries to convert me, was offended by the content of two of my posts. Two of only five posts I had published to date. I thought to myself, "Wow...am I really offending people with my nonsensical rambling?". Then I visited her blog to see what kind of things she thought were appropriate for the internet. Then I thought "Hey...wtf is this?! Oh no you didn't!!!".

To put it in context, this is the original message she sent me:


Subject: Remove

"Dear Blogger,

I must inform you that several aspects of your blog is very offensive to me, as it must be to other readers as well. You are making a mockery of the teachings of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ, and I must ask that you remove your post concerning the sacred celebration of the birth of our Lord. You used an image of Christ that has been altered into a blasphemous image of Christ as a pirate, and implied that he may have been a pirate. It does not matter what the Holy Bible does NOT say, the importance lies within what IS written, and it is by those writings which I choose to live my life.Your blog has appeared for some reason in a search for catholic blogs that I was making, and I am sure that I am not the only complaint you have recieved. I have no idea why this trash has come up under religious writings, but out of respect for other peoples religious beliefs, you must remove your post.I also am grossly offended at the image used of infants drinking alcoholic drinks, and you should also remove it. I have children that use the internet, and I would hate for them to be exposed to your sense of 'humor'.

Please seek God."

I went to her blog, and was bombarded with every article published about the catholic church, and passages from the bible and religious imagery...essentially something like what the popes facebook might look like!

...this made me mad!
That someone that has a different belief than me and tells me to remove posts, when that persons blog is full of mad religious stuff...and she expected me to do it??? Oh hell no!

Xmas

The Santa Clause sends such a terrible message to children. If you kill Santa, you become him. It's a bit dark really. Reminds me of Highlander, "There can only be one!". I'd like to see that movie! With Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and other such characters killing each other to absorb their powers until there is only one all-powerful entity remaining. I'm betting on Superman, but I'm a little bit biased as he's the only one I believe in.

<insert sexist comment here>

I was going to go off on a whole rant about the connection between Christmas and Xmas, and where Christ became X, but then I decided I had better check what the actual connection was, in case I accidentally got it right and ended up being factual...it's boring! So instead I decided to believe that Jesus was captured by pirates, and buried somewhere for safe keeping. The place was marked with an X, and that's what the pirates referred to him as in their own pirate code, to keep it a secret from non-pirates. That's what the crusades were about! Not looking for the Holy Grail, but actually Jesus locked in a treasure chest buried on an island. If I was Jesus, I would have become a pirate and used my walk-on-water powers to plunder shit! It's important to use your talents.

"Avast, my children!"

How I Shall Single-Handedly Save Ireland!

Right...basically, the general consensus is that we're well and truly f*cked. So I've taken it upon myself to suggest a few ideas to make the government some money so we don't get shafted by these clowns.

My first thought was to lower the drinking age...but only for Irish alcohol. Encouraging breweries to up production creating more jobs, while getting all the teenagers money they would spend on ALDI 12euro vodka and such. Although some people would argue that lowering the drinking age is bad for people that young, I suggest that we implement alco-education classes as a junior certificate subject, complete with beer bong and kegstand modules. The final exam? Sure they're gonna go out and get langered anyway after they finish exams, at least it's a bit safer if their teacher is there. Mark up the import tax on Dutch Gold and we're in the money!

Not that low!

The Game (and the people who play it)

Basically there's this game. A scientific experiment gone horribly wrong escaped from a lab and infected millions worldwide. There is only one cure...death! ...or you could just try not to think about it at all. Let me make this perfectly clear. If you have no idea what I am talking about, exit this page. Do not read any further. Never question what the game is, because if you do...there's only one way out! And I have it on good authority that being a hermit sucks.

The different types of infected are as follows:

The Warrior:
Someone who plays the game to win, but doesn't get all mopey about it. They take the losses as they come, understanding that they are an inevitability, and move on without a fuss. Typically the easiest person to stand in times of play, but unsatisfyingly calm reactions upon loss are disappointing for the most hardcore of Bombers.

The Shuttlecock:
Named as such because like a Shuttlecock, this player tends to go over the top when it comes to losses. Typically shouting profanities at their Bomber, leading to them bombing someone else. This is typically an attention-whore, someone who doesn't see it as an actual goal, but more of an opportunity to make a loud noise to turn some heads. Generally most new players start out as Shuttlecocks, thinking it's the normal reaction to something so simple as a reaction to a word. Shuttlecocks think the game is the coolest thing in the world, and feel the need to be a part of the group in any way they can.

Super crime-fighting in Dublin

It's raining. That may not be such an uncommon thing, especially in Ireland, but it's also 2am and I have to get up early in the morning. The rain isn't so bad for some people, but I have a window in my room that's at a 45 degree angle and, I can only guess from the noise, is facing the exact direction of the oncoming gale-force wind. This is directly above my head, and it's making me very angry! Blog time!

The one thing I can't get over is how bad it would be to be a superhero in this city. This thought stems from me trying to come up with situations where I would be out in that weather for long periods of time, just so I could say to myself, "At least you're not out <Insert activity> in that weather!" The only thing I could think of was crime-fighting. I think that says a lot about me psychologically...I am nine years old!

 I mean, it wouldn't be so bad for some heroes, like Batman. Like water off a duck's back...if the duck was wearing a rubber suit with nipples. But poor Spidey! I mean, he's in his PJ's for gods sake, and has no superpower capable of drying himself off! Although, Spiderman wouldn't be too effective in Dublin, seeing as the only remotely tall structure we have here is a big silvery toothpick sticking out of the ground! Plus, I don't think Peter Parker would be making too much money selling pictures of Spiderman hanging off Central Bank to Metro-Herald! He'd have to do horoscopes too! Batman I wouldn't envy either! I don't care how many defensive gadgets you have on the batmobile, if you leave it in a couple of key areas of the city, you'll be buying your tyres back on eBay and walking home!

In the end, I really don't see the need for us to have a superhero deployed locally. Crime isn't really high enough to necessitate one. Imagine if Dublin was Superman's responsibility! He would catch bad guys for about eleven seconds, and call it a day! Well, I tell you, my taxes aren't going to any layabout superheroes that sit on their ass all day doing nothing!

I can do that without superpowers!!!

Halloween

It seems kind of sad to find myself sitting at home alone on October 31st, a very important night of drinking and making a tit of oneself (I have nothing against Halloween, nor the concept of Halloween, I love getting drunk and making a tit of myself (Preferably in that order)). I was, however at a 21st last night, leaving me with reduced financial status and very low motivation to get up and do anything, but also a fairly acceptable reason to not be out tonight. The morning after Halloween being a day of work and college (a travesty in the eyes of most students and anyone who loves going out on the drink, leaving their dignity safely tucked away at home), I decided it was best for my lecturers, classmates, employers, and most importantly myself, that i have a quiet night in.

Watching Spiderman, I can think of well over 100 films more appropriate for RTE to display on Halloween. What happened to films like Hocus Pocus, or the Nightmare Before Christmas? Albeit Spiderman is a popular costume, I can't help thinking that an actual Halloween film would have drawn a bigger audience. The more I think about this, the less I want to watch Spiderman, so off it goes.

The night is punctured by the perpetual pop and squeal of fireworks, and I can't help wonder how many brave eyebrows will be lost to the fires of the orient tonight. Not mine! Although once a roman candle fell over and scorched my shoe. A few days later my mother was moving my shoes from the front door hallway (she hates that), and she smelled the smoke off one of them. When questioned about my addiction to cigarettes, and how a 13 year-old managed to obtain sufficient funds to feed his 'habit', I replied that a firework had 'got me'. The next year I was conveniently 'grounded to protect myself from the highly dangerous 'explosives'. We had sparklers. It was not awesome. But at least there were Halloween-appropriate films on television back then!