Things From My Brain (...be careful, this may be contagious!)

These are things that I have posted to the internet. I don't think I have stolen any of them, but if I have, I must have done it so brilliantly that I even convinced myself that I came up with them!

Welcome to my brain!

"It's very important that while I have assignments to do I stay very close to my laptop, just in case I'm struck by temporary brilliance... or lightning. Either way, this essay will be done, or I'll have a pretty good excuse for not doing it..."

"I really hate how many fat people are on weight-loss shows! Making me hungry, they are!"

"I wanna rename my apartment Mordor, to see what interesting ways people will use to avoid simply walking into it!"

"I would love to go about for a day asking twilight fans who Bram Stoker is...then punch them in their stupid head!"

"Sometimes I wish I could be you for a day! ...so I could hang out with myself...because I'm wonderful!"

"Brock had ten little brothers and sisters, a deadbeat father and no mother...and he left them all to go galavanting across the world with two freakin kids??? What a bastard!"

"I wrote a song about quants. It goes like this... *smashes guitar on ground and walks away*"

"just did the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs...that's right ladies! Please form an orderly queue!"

"If you're posting about the X Factor, the only people that are going to give a shit are the people who are also watching the X Factor...and they've already seen what has happened, so they don't need you to tell them!"

"I don't really care too much about the presidential election considering the extremely slim odds of any of the candidates being Batman..."

"went to woodies looking for a specific type of paint, they didn't have it. I said to the girl "I find your lack of paint disturbing", she INSISTED on hi-fiving me! I think i'm in love!!!"

"I wonder if the Batpole actually washes Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson when they slide down to the Batcave... Like, it DOES strip them and then re-clothe them while on a pole...why not???"

"just had a terrifying thought...Carnivorous Giraffes!!!"

Internet Piracy (EMI please don't sue me)

For legal protection this post is based on a dream I once had. There were way more dragons in the dream, but I have omitted them from the post in order to convey the seriousness of the issues at hand. 

It's considered pretty immoral...but a huge proportion of people do it! Be it music, video, software, or any copyrighted material, a lot of people are logging on and 'stealing'. Why? Because it's easy! You get everything you're interested in delivered directly to you for free. But wait...these people are stealing...right?
In my opinion, people who are doing this are absolutely stealing! But, it isn't entirely their fault. The fact that it's an incredibly easy crime has very little to do with the extent to which people engage in piracy.

EMI have filed a legal suit against the Irish Government, in retaliation of outdated piracy law in Ireland. In a bid they have dubbed 'Operation Futile Publicity Stunt', they want the government to bring forward laws that would restrict ISP's from allowing access to sites that enable piracy.

I don't understand how this can possibly be taken seriously! I understand that if your shop is being robbed you get a better security system, but if you put a restriction on these sites, these people won't thank you by going out and buying your music! If you try take the pirate sites offline, you're going to create a new horde of active pirates, that in retaliation for your interference in their daily way of life, will take that CD they bought and share it with the world.

Operation #occupyanythingforattention

Ok, I'm officially sick of #occupywallstreet!

It's cost the NYPD $1.9 million in overtime (as of October 7). That's government spending that you're causing...while protesting that you want government spending cuts and tax reform!

They are disrupting the lives of hard-working New Yorkers who want to make a living, all the while the protesters are living outside and making Manhattan look like a homeless breeding ground! On October 1st there were an estimated 700 arrests made when protesters crossed the Brooklyn Bridge. These are 700 individuals who have made their lives a little bit harder by getting themselves a public disorder offence on their criminal record! Good luck getting a job after that!

Bed - The place of dreams (and maybe Charlie Sheen)

A bed is defined as a place of sleep, that gets perpetually more comfortable the later in the morning it is. Known as the Frengelhurtner Effect, named for the man who I just made up, that may or may not have discovered the main cause of lateness for work/school/monster-truck rallies. The important thing is that you don't know who he is, because the government made him disappear! ...or I made him up.
Either way, bed = good, government = not bed, therefore bad!

Yep...lolcats. That's as far as my creative capacity stretches today!

Kids today...then I go way off topic!

Kids today like different things than what I liked back in the day! It makes me feel very old that back in my childhood, 150 pokémon seemed like an insurmountable task to achieve, but these days there are almost 500! So what I want to know is why, if there are more than three times more pokémon to catch, are all these nine-year-olds going out, drink-driving, getting pregnant and ending up on Jeremy Kyle? Where do they find the time??? When I was nine, i spent every waking hour I could playing pokémon on my gameboy, or putting my pokémon cards in order, then shuffling them so I could do it again! I didn't have a spare minute to learn or do physical activities. I might not be smart, fit or have adequate social skills...but I know a shit tonne of pokéfacts!

Essay Writing: The opposite of bacon!

This is my little study on the different emotional stages students go through when they have assignments or essays to do. This is sort of a follow-up to my last post about procrastination, and I thought there could be some sort of interesting or ridiculous(more likely) reactions to this process.

This post has been written as I write the essay, so I didn't leave out any of the soul-crushing feelings that accompany attempting to write intelligently about something one knows little to nothing about.

Let's begin!

15:29  
0/800 words
Let's get started. I've already covered the procrastinatory nature of what I've done since finding out about this essay, so let's dive right in! GO!

Procrastination (Watch Inception before reading)

Procrastination is a great word. I'd like to think that the 'pro' in procrastination is there because everyone is unbelievably skilled at it. I know I am. Hell, I should be writing an essay on Bach or something right now. That's really what this blog is. An outlet for my inability to type anything that requires any effort at all. Not that I don't put any effort into writing this blog. I'm awake...that's something!

You take one sneaky nap...

It's funny how people always want to tell you they're proctastinating on Facebook or Twitter...or with smoke signals. A true procrastinator would learn smoke signalling to tell you they're procrastinating, while they're procrastinating, so they could procrastinate, while procrastinating during procrastination!

Z to tha X
Xzibit has a serious alphabet deficiency!

Hey You!!! Stop That!!!

Recently I received a complaint about the content of my blog. A woman, whose name I will not mention for fear she tracks me down and tries to convert me, was offended by the content of two of my posts. Two of only five posts I had published to date. I thought to myself, "Wow...am I really offending people with my nonsensical rambling?". Then I visited her blog to see what kind of things she thought were appropriate for the internet. Then I thought "Hey...wtf is this?! Oh no you didn't!!!".

To put it in context, this is the original message she sent me:


Subject: Remove

"Dear Blogger,

I must inform you that several aspects of your blog is very offensive to me, as it must be to other readers as well. You are making a mockery of the teachings of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ, and I must ask that you remove your post concerning the sacred celebration of the birth of our Lord. You used an image of Christ that has been altered into a blasphemous image of Christ as a pirate, and implied that he may have been a pirate. It does not matter what the Holy Bible does NOT say, the importance lies within what IS written, and it is by those writings which I choose to live my life.Your blog has appeared for some reason in a search for catholic blogs that I was making, and I am sure that I am not the only complaint you have recieved. I have no idea why this trash has come up under religious writings, but out of respect for other peoples religious beliefs, you must remove your post.I also am grossly offended at the image used of infants drinking alcoholic drinks, and you should also remove it. I have children that use the internet, and I would hate for them to be exposed to your sense of 'humor'.

Please seek God."

I went to her blog, and was bombarded with every article published about the catholic church, and passages from the bible and religious imagery...essentially something like what the popes facebook might look like!

...this made me mad!
That someone that has a different belief than me and tells me to remove posts, when that persons blog is full of mad religious stuff...and she expected me to do it??? Oh hell no!

Xmas

The Santa Clause sends such a terrible message to children. If you kill Santa, you become him. It's a bit dark really. Reminds me of Highlander, "There can only be one!". I'd like to see that movie! With Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and other such characters killing each other to absorb their powers until there is only one all-powerful entity remaining. I'm betting on Superman, but I'm a little bit biased as he's the only one I believe in.

<insert sexist comment here>

I was going to go off on a whole rant about the connection between Christmas and Xmas, and where Christ became X, but then I decided I had better check what the actual connection was, in case I accidentally got it right and ended up being factual...it's boring! So instead I decided to believe that Jesus was captured by pirates, and buried somewhere for safe keeping. The place was marked with an X, and that's what the pirates referred to him as in their own pirate code, to keep it a secret from non-pirates. That's what the crusades were about! Not looking for the Holy Grail, but actually Jesus locked in a treasure chest buried on an island. If I was Jesus, I would have become a pirate and used my walk-on-water powers to plunder shit! It's important to use your talents.

"Avast, my children!"

How I Shall Single-Handedly Save Ireland!

Right...basically, the general consensus is that we're well and truly f*cked. So I've taken it upon myself to suggest a few ideas to make the government some money so we don't get shafted by these clowns.

My first thought was to lower the drinking age...but only for Irish alcohol. Encouraging breweries to up production creating more jobs, while getting all the teenagers money they would spend on ALDI 12euro vodka and such. Although some people would argue that lowering the drinking age is bad for people that young, I suggest that we implement alco-education classes as a junior certificate subject, complete with beer bong and kegstand modules. The final exam? Sure they're gonna go out and get langered anyway after they finish exams, at least it's a bit safer if their teacher is there. Mark up the import tax on Dutch Gold and we're in the money!

Not that low!

The Game (and the people who play it)

Basically there's this game. A scientific experiment gone horribly wrong escaped from a lab and infected millions worldwide. There is only one cure...death! ...or you could just try not to think about it at all. Let me make this perfectly clear. If you have no idea what I am talking about, exit this page. Do not read any further. Never question what the game is, because if you do...there's only one way out! And I have it on good authority that being a hermit sucks.

The different types of infected are as follows:

The Warrior:
Someone who plays the game to win, but doesn't get all mopey about it. They take the losses as they come, understanding that they are an inevitability, and move on without a fuss. Typically the easiest person to stand in times of play, but unsatisfyingly calm reactions upon loss are disappointing for the most hardcore of Bombers.

The Shuttlecock:
Named as such because like a Shuttlecock, this player tends to go over the top when it comes to losses. Typically shouting profanities at their Bomber, leading to them bombing someone else. This is typically an attention-whore, someone who doesn't see it as an actual goal, but more of an opportunity to make a loud noise to turn some heads. Generally most new players start out as Shuttlecocks, thinking it's the normal reaction to something so simple as a reaction to a word. Shuttlecocks think the game is the coolest thing in the world, and feel the need to be a part of the group in any way they can.

Super crime-fighting in Dublin

It's raining. That may not be such an uncommon thing, especially in Ireland, but it's also 2am and I have to get up early in the morning. The rain isn't so bad for some people, but I have a window in my room that's at a 45 degree angle and, I can only guess from the noise, is facing the exact direction of the oncoming gale-force wind. This is directly above my head, and it's making me very angry! Blog time!

The one thing I can't get over is how bad it would be to be a superhero in this city. This thought stems from me trying to come up with situations where I would be out in that weather for long periods of time, just so I could say to myself, "At least you're not out <Insert activity> in that weather!" The only thing I could think of was crime-fighting. I think that says a lot about me psychologically...I am nine years old!

 I mean, it wouldn't be so bad for some heroes, like Batman. Like water off a duck's back...if the duck was wearing a rubber suit with nipples. But poor Spidey! I mean, he's in his PJ's for gods sake, and has no superpower capable of drying himself off! Although, Spiderman wouldn't be too effective in Dublin, seeing as the only remotely tall structure we have here is a big silvery toothpick sticking out of the ground! Plus, I don't think Peter Parker would be making too much money selling pictures of Spiderman hanging off Central Bank to Metro-Herald! He'd have to do horoscopes too! Batman I wouldn't envy either! I don't care how many defensive gadgets you have on the batmobile, if you leave it in a couple of key areas of the city, you'll be buying your tyres back on eBay and walking home!

In the end, I really don't see the need for us to have a superhero deployed locally. Crime isn't really high enough to necessitate one. Imagine if Dublin was Superman's responsibility! He would catch bad guys for about eleven seconds, and call it a day! Well, I tell you, my taxes aren't going to any layabout superheroes that sit on their ass all day doing nothing!

I can do that without superpowers!!!

Halloween

It seems kind of sad to find myself sitting at home alone on October 31st, a very important night of drinking and making a tit of oneself (I have nothing against Halloween, nor the concept of Halloween, I love getting drunk and making a tit of myself (Preferably in that order)). I was, however at a 21st last night, leaving me with reduced financial status and very low motivation to get up and do anything, but also a fairly acceptable reason to not be out tonight. The morning after Halloween being a day of work and college (a travesty in the eyes of most students and anyone who loves going out on the drink, leaving their dignity safely tucked away at home), I decided it was best for my lecturers, classmates, employers, and most importantly myself, that i have a quiet night in.

Watching Spiderman, I can think of well over 100 films more appropriate for RTE to display on Halloween. What happened to films like Hocus Pocus, or the Nightmare Before Christmas? Albeit Spiderman is a popular costume, I can't help thinking that an actual Halloween film would have drawn a bigger audience. The more I think about this, the less I want to watch Spiderman, so off it goes.

The night is punctured by the perpetual pop and squeal of fireworks, and I can't help wonder how many brave eyebrows will be lost to the fires of the orient tonight. Not mine! Although once a roman candle fell over and scorched my shoe. A few days later my mother was moving my shoes from the front door hallway (she hates that), and she smelled the smoke off one of them. When questioned about my addiction to cigarettes, and how a 13 year-old managed to obtain sufficient funds to feed his 'habit', I replied that a firework had 'got me'. The next year I was conveniently 'grounded to protect myself from the highly dangerous 'explosives'. We had sparklers. It was not awesome. But at least there were Halloween-appropriate films on television back then!