How I Shall Single-Handedly Save Ireland!

Right...basically, the general consensus is that we're well and truly f*cked. So I've taken it upon myself to suggest a few ideas to make the government some money so we don't get shafted by these clowns.

My first thought was to lower the drinking age...but only for Irish alcohol. Encouraging breweries to up production creating more jobs, while getting all the teenagers money they would spend on ALDI 12euro vodka and such. Although some people would argue that lowering the drinking age is bad for people that young, I suggest that we implement alco-education classes as a junior certificate subject, complete with beer bong and kegstand modules. The final exam? Sure they're gonna go out and get langered anyway after they finish exams, at least it's a bit safer if their teacher is there. Mark up the import tax on Dutch Gold and we're in the money!

Not that low!

Another strategy involves phone companies. In particular situations it is rude or inappropriate to use ones phone. I suggest that we establish huge added costs for the use of phones in these places. The main example I'm pushing is in the cinema. If a phone lights up, everyone behind and beside you can see it. Fact. And if it was an actual emergency, you would leave. It makes me want to throw my large diet coke at your head...followed closely by my gigantic shoe! I'd feel much better about it if this twat gets charged two euro extra for every text sent or received. That almost seems more entertaining than the movie! Anyway, government divides the charges between themselves, the phone companies and the cinemas, they set up their techno-radar...stuff so it works, and we have a brand new source of revenue! We could put it in churches and other places of worship. Call it an 'act of god' or 'sacrilege toll charge' on the bill. Sorted!

One of, if not the most successful empires in recorded history, was the Roman Empire. They were a mad bunch of bastards, pioneering the toothbrush-helmet look, and setting the path for Lady Gaga and all the freaky crap she glues to herself. Anyway, we have to ask, how were they so prosperous when we, with all our technology and peace and shit, can't seem to keep our nation together? I have the answer. It's because we're pissed right off!

We have a lot of pent up rage and anger, and because we can't afford to drink it away, we just tear ourselves apart. We have no outlet for all this anger, and that is the problem. The Romans had a great way of dealing with this! Blood sports! Mad crazy stuff with swords and chariots and limbs as far as the eye can see! Just think If we make Aviva stadium into a colosseum to the highest standards an insurer-sponsored sports facility can be, we'll have people flocking to the country to see all the carnage, and it'll completely revive our tourism industry.

How can I be so sure? Hundreds of thousands of people go to Rome every year and visit the colosseum.  Gladiator, directed by Ridley Scott, grossed over $450 million. Combine them, and put them on live, every Saturday night direct to you at home(Bye bye X Factor!). Sure the country will be full of violent nutters, but how is that a change exactly?

I know some people(Hippies(Go hug a tree)) will be up in arms over whether I'd want gladiators fighting lions, or other wild animals for the amusement of the audience, as it has been done historically, and I wish to categorically state that I will pit no man to perform any act of cruelty toward any innocent creature!

...they'll be up against politicians!

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