Basically there's this game. A scientific experiment gone horribly wrong escaped from a lab and infected millions worldwide. There is only one cure...death! ...or you could just try not to think about it at all. Let me make this perfectly clear. If you have no idea what I am talking about, exit this page. Do not read any further. Never question what the game is, because if you do...there's only one way out! And I have it on good authority that being a hermit sucks.
The different types of infected are as follows:
The Warrior:
Someone who plays the game to win, but doesn't get all mopey about it. They take the losses as they come, understanding that they are an inevitability, and move on without a fuss. Typically the easiest person to stand in times of play, but unsatisfyingly calm reactions upon loss are disappointing for the most hardcore of Bombers.
The Shuttlecock:
Named as such because like a Shuttlecock, this player tends to go over the top when it comes to losses. Typically shouting profanities at their Bomber, leading to them bombing someone else. This is typically an attention-whore, someone who doesn't see it as an actual goal, but more of an opportunity to make a loud noise to turn some heads. Generally most new players start out as Shuttlecocks, thinking it's the normal reaction to something so simple as a reaction to a word. Shuttlecocks think the game is the coolest thing in the world, and feel the need to be a part of the group in any way they can.
The Monkey:
Named for the 'hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil' statues, these players are fully aware of the game, but pay no heed to it. It does not concern them, as they feel they are above the game. They feel they can ignore the game much harder than any of the other players, so much so, that it makes them incapable of losing. However, the game is too strong, and the Monkey always feels that slight drop of disappointment when they lose, even though they will never admit it. This is incredibly annoying, but at least they're quiet about it!
The Bomber:
The person whose sole purpose is to accumulate as many casualties as they can, with no regard for how many times they lose themselves. Another attention whore, a group of Bombers and Shuttlecocks is essentially a cluster-bomb ready to cause a chain reaction that could have serious repercussions for...well nobody...unless you were in a library or something i guess...then you'd have to be quiet. Anyway, the Bomber is the sworn enemy of the Warrior, but fears the Monkey the most, as the Bombers powers are all but useless against the Monkey.
Bombers and Shuttlecocks have a symbiotic relationship, feeding off each others misery, and have been noted to produce hybrids...the Bombercock! A combination of cause and over-reaction provides the bane of all else who walk the path of the game! If you know of a Bombercock in existance, you must destroy it, using the combined powers of a Monkey and a Warrior, to underwhelm on loss reaction, and explain to them how childish they are being in their mannerisms and game decorum. This should tame the beast, but if it should fail... frape that Bombercock! Frape him hard!!!
(For this next bit, imagine I'm standing on a hill with thousands of people about to follow me into battle or something. Like Braveheart, but less Scottish...also I'm actually not on a hill, I'm in the Millennium Falcon...it's hovering over the army, but the army is still all dark ages and medieval and all......cool! "Aaaand...ACTION!")
The game is a taint on this land, an evil curse, a horrible abomination. But there is hope! I have devised a way to combat the game. If we spread the word far and wide to all who will hear us, we can deliver our people from this plague.
I am embarking on a quest.
A quest to seek the end to the game.
A quest to unlock the secrets of its power.
A quest we must undertake upon ourselves, to study the game, learn its weaknesses and know where to strike when the time is right.
No more will the game be masters of us! For each time we lose the game, if we use it to take one step closer to the end of our journey, we are moving towards victory!
When you remember the game, remember the quest, and you cannot lose!
(Millennium Falcon zooms off into space leaving the army to be slaughtered by stormtroopers)
(Shot of Millennium Falcon cockpit, Chewie laughs, I laugh, move lever, stars blur, zoom off at lightspeed)
FIN
...and the academy award goes to?
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