A bed is defined as a place of sleep, that gets perpetually more comfortable the later in the morning it is. Known as the Frengelhurtner Effect, named for the man who I just made up, that may or may not have discovered the main cause of lateness for work/school/monster-truck rallies. The important thing is that you don't know who he is, because the government made him disappear! ...or I made him up.
Either way, bed = good, government = not bed, therefore bad!
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| Yep...lolcats. That's as far as my creative capacity stretches today! |
You can find all sorts of interesting things in and around a bed! Money, clothes, Charlie Sheen off his head on something he invented that he makes out of ground up stripper teeth and battery acid. (That last one is a bit specialist. May never happen to you...be thankful!) I once found an old gameboy game cartridge wedged between my bed and the wall. It had no label, but excited as a puppy playing with something that it shouldn't have, I got my gameboy, took out my Tetris cartridge, put the game in to see what it was...it was fuckin' TETRIS!!! I was understandably delighted! While another game would have been pretty neat, I felt like the most badass mofo in all of Ireland that day! None of my mates were even worthy of my presence, for I, Gareth, had not one, but TWO copies of the mighty Tetris!
...for clarity...this may have been less than six months ago.
I'm not ashamed! I have two copies of Tetris, bitch!
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| Perhaps a terrifying look my not-too-distant future...? |
I have a theory about the things in life that are fun and awesome and addictive! There's a sort of background radiation, that is attracted to certain things that make them enjoyable. These things have a certain capacity for saturation in this radiation, and they include alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and bikinis. Basically, the more of this radiation these things can hold, the more fun they are!
There are many different sources of this radiation, but the most common sources can be found all over the world. Lazer-tag guns produce a moderate quantity of it, focused directly into a beam of energy, while stripper poles can produce over twelve ridicu-units of the radiation per minute. The safest places to be if you wish to steer clear of this potentially fatal, and certainly awesome effect include libraries, heavy traffic and North Korea...where they have a massive bubble-shield to keep all the fun out!
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| This is actually a 'mad craic'-o-meter...what an unhappy place! :( |
There is, of course, a fair few onomolies..."Mr. Sheen, the doctor will see you now!" Yes, it's all about the Sheen! Both an immeasurable source of energy, and a huge absorber, Charlie Sheen is like a black hole! Infinite energy pouring into him, but the people around him can absorb far more of this energy as well. Eventually he'll explode, much like a firework stuffed with cocaine, nudity, and tabloid attention, but until that day, he is a ticking time bomb, sustained by attention, porn stars and the eventual realization that he may one day have to travel to North Korea to set up a chain of the most radical strip-club, coke-den, scotch-chuggin, radiation-emitting establishments ever to grace the orient coast!
And we shall call them...Colosheenum! ...(Say it like 'colosseum'...otherwise it sounds like an unpleasant medical procedure)
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